Thankful!

This Thanksgiving, I'm feeling very thankful. We had an amazing year. In no particular order..

*I'm thankful for my friends and family. Chase and I both have wonderful, amazing families who have supported us and been there for us no matter what. I will always be thankful and grateful for all of them. I am also extremely grateful for the wonderful friendships I've built over the years. I have met some amazing women, and their support and understanding has helped me out so many times. I am EXTREMELY thankful for my best friend, Mandy. She is such an amazing woman, and never fails to be there for me when I need her.

*I'm thankful for The Monks family, who have not only given me a job, but another family. I am so grateful they have let me stay through all the chaos of Hunter's school situation.

*I'm SO thankful for my wonderful husband. He is my rock, and is always ready to stand by my side. He is an amazing man, and father. Hunter and I are so lucky to have him in our lives. This year, I have felt like I've been on rock bottom, and Chase did (and continues to) build me up in every way he can.

*I'm very thankful for my parents and Chase's parents for all their help with our wedding. We couldn't have done it without them, and I am so blessed that I will always have the memories of my wonderful wedding day. I'm thankful for everyone who came to our wedding to show their support for our relationship - it meant so much to us. I'm thankful to Victoria for forever capturing our memories on the small budget I had!

*I'm thankful for Al and Brandi for giving us a wonderful honeymoon. Chase and I had never traveled alone before, and getting away together was something that was much needed. We will never forget our time in the Dominican Republic.

Again, I don't know why this keeps appearing. It's really driving me crazy...

*I'm thankful for my son. Hunter is such a fun, happy, amazing little boy. Of course I'm a little biased, but my Nutner is the best! I am also realizing how lucky we are that Hunter is such a healthy little boy. This entire year was antibiotic free, and I'm very grateful for that!

*I'm thankful for Hunter's teachers and new school friends who are expanding his world in such a positive, happy way. It's so beautiful to me that since day 1, Hunter has loved going to school.

*I'm thankful for Chase's wonderful job and coworkers. Chase got his promotion earlier this year, and we were both very grateful for his new opportunities at RE/MAX. His promotion was well earned, and we were thankful that his boss continues to see his potential.

*I'm thankful for my doggies. Sometimes, they drive me crazy. Almost every day they do something to annoy me. But, I love them so much, and my life would not be complete without them!

*I'm thankful most of those closest to me still have their jobs. My Mom did lose her job a few months ago - after 30 years of service. I'm thankful that she's seeing where other doors may lead her, and hope they lead her somewhere wonderful. She deserves it.

*I'm thankful for my Hyundai Santa Fe. It seems silly as it's such a materialistic thing, but, it makes me happier that it's so much easier to get Hunter and his friends in and out of the car. It makes me happy that I can take my dogs with me. It makes me happy that I have lots of shopping bag room!

And last but not least...

*I'm thankful for the experience I went through this year. It's showed me things about myself, and has taught me so many things. It brought so many raw emotions to the table that it really made me sit down and look at what I AM thankful for, and to realize the MANY blessings me and my family have. God would not put us through these things if He did not think we could get through them.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! GOOO BRONCOS!

New Moon. Gag me.

*SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT* This blog entry contains many details of New Moon. If you haven't seen the movie and are planning to, I would stop reading now.

Chase and I saw New Moon yesterday. I'll start this out by saying I disliked Twilight. In fact, I watched it the other night in preparation for New Moon, and was so disgusted, I had to turn it off and watch it over a 3 night time period. I would love to discuss why I hated Twilight, but, they are the same reasons why I disliked New Moon...

I don't know why this is in the middle of my blog. It's broken. Eventually I'll figure out how to fix it...

Okay. First the positive...I loved this part of New Moon...

Hot! I used to love Taylor Swift. Now, I'm just downright envious....

I actually really liked all the werewolf scenes. If you removed Bella.

Moving on..

1. Kristin Stewart can't act to save her life. She's not a believable Bella. The only part of her that I feel sorry for is for the fact that she's an actress who can't act. Eventually, her career will run out. At least, her starring role career. D-List actress coming you're way.

2. The vampires are not beautiful. Not even in the slightest. In fact, Edward usually looks like he's about to lose his lunch. Rosalie is so far from what a normal person might consider beautiful that it almost makes me want to lose my lunch. And what's with her hair? Jasper pretty much looks like death walking. He's pretty frightening...but not in a good, beautiful way. More of a "I think I just saw a ghost" way.

3. Edward looks like's 23. Or 28. Not 17. Not even close. He's also not a very believable teenager. In fact, none of the Cullens are. You would think with all their practice they would be experts. They are not. If I was the principal of Forks High School, I would have kicked them out the day after they started. I did like Emmett in New Moon though. Mostly because he picks Bella up and swings her around - I'm just a fan of swinging around in general.

4. I almost *almost* wish I could watch New Moon again so I could count how many times we pan in on someone's face and hold it there for way too many seconds. I could probably count Edward's nose hairs if I had the fantasies some girls do about Edward and wanted to do so. Pan in on someone's face once, twice, heck even three times, and call it artistic. Do it 745 times, and you could call it obnoxious, annoying, and a waste of valuable movie space.

5. The story line in the books is pretty good. Enough to make you keep reading. Obviously the writing is mediocre at best, but, I'll give it to Stephanie Meyer since she never really set out to be a writer. And it's written for teenagers, so whatever. The story line in the movie almost makes you want to take a nap. It starts out slowly, but, as soon as it catches up and starts to pretend to be a movie, the acting turns so outrageously ridiculous that it does almost just make you want to close your eyes. If you've read the book, the movie you could make in your head would be better if you had any sort of imagination.

6. They left out the whole imprinting thing. Whatever. Fine. Not a big deal in New Moon. But once they have to introduce it for Breaking Dawn, I have a feeling it's going to go downhill really quickly for non-readers. And if they don't ever introduce it...well, that 4th movie is really gonna suck...

7. Edward also can't act. Not only does he look like a stone wall (I get it, he's hard as stone, he's a vampire, ya di ya di ya da), but his emotions are about as stone wall as can be. When he leaves Bella, his emotion seems to be "Now I'm leaving you. Adios." When he sees her again (and shes's ALIVE, YAY!) his emotion seems to be "Hey there. Ready to go to school?" Because his face is the same as that as when he picks her up for school in Twilight. LAME.

A few more things that I liked...

* The scene of Bella running into Volterra. With all the red capes. But, given the details in the book and that would have been pretty simple for a director to set up. I think I just like red which is why I liked that scene.

*Edward wasn't in a lot of this movie. That was refreshing as like I've mentioned before, he's totally not believable and I really don't get how people are in love with Edward. I could get Robert Pattinson, because he's eh-okay, but Edward? Really? With his horrible make up job where his neck is sometimes 6 shades darker than his face? It makes me want to puke, not warm up inside with butterflies.

*We saw it before 2012, which just made 2012 that much more better. Also totally overdone, but, in a much cooler way than New Moon.

Overall, I feel like New Moon is just an excuse to pile thousands of teenage girls into a theater to fawn over Edward and Jacob. It's never going to be "epic" and someday, if Hunter's kids ever pick up this movie, they are going to watch it and go "really?? People liked that junk?" During the movie, I actively considered the fact that perhaps I didn't like the movies because I had a *better* idea of what they should have been in my mind. That thought vanished when my husband (a non-reader) turned to me and said "This movie sucks." Yup, honey, it does. Sorry.

And yes, we'll go see Eclipse. Because I always have hope. But, I think I will always feel like they took what could have been an epic, timeless masterpieces and turned it into a teenage fawn fest.

Hunter's Third Birthday!

Hunter's Third Birthday was a success! We started off the morning right - with a big bowl of Fruit Loops laced with M&M's....the breakfast of champions!

Then, we headed to Opa and Oma's house, where we set up for the party while watching the Broncos lose to the Raven's, 30-7...that part of the day was sad.

The party got kicked off at 3:30. We had 31 people partying like 3 year olds at the bash. It's always lots of fun to get our families together. It also involves way too many presents for Hunter...but, oh well! The kid is spoiled.

This year, we went for a construction theme. I had SO much fun with this theme, and it was more inexpensive than you would imagine.

I loved my Caution wrapping job. I was so proud of myself after I wrapped Hunter's presents, I immediately ran upstairs, drug Chase down two flights of stairs and anxiously awaited his response. He said "wow, we got him too many presents."

We went with a yellow and black color scheme since wasting money on Construction themed plates seemed a bit ridiculous to me. Hunter was VERY excited about the "big truck" which we purchased as an accessory to his cake. For the tablecloths, I put my creativity to the max by purchasing plain black plastic tablecloths and then using white duct tape to make them into roads. Very exciting! Chase will remind me in 10 years that I was desperate to find the white duct tape...I wouldn't rest until we had some!

Yay for dump truck cakes! This cake was SO easy and so much fun! I lined two dump trucks with Glade Stick And Seal paper (much easier than foil, saran wrap, or wax paper). Then, I baked several normal chocolate cakes, and one Gluten free cake. After the cakes were cooled, I tore them into pieces, and lines the trucks with them. I topped each layer with a good helper of Chocolate pudding before adding the next layer of cake. For the regular cake, I topped everything with Oreo cookie crumbles. I added gummy worms to both cakes. They wouldn't have been complete without the Construction cone candles I ordered online. Not only were these cakes a huge hit, but, they were delicious without being overly sweet, and cleanup was a breeze. Hunter might get dump truck cakes for the rest of his life! :)

I also handmade 4 or 5 construction themed signs using yellow construction paper. I printed shadowed graphics I found on the internet and used Word to create text documents, and then it was as simple as cut and paste. This is the only one we got a picture of, but we also had a front loader, Work Zone, Party Zone, and Hard Hat Area. Another picture-less detail was the construction cones I borrowed from Sloan and Rafe which lined the walkway to the party. I went a little overboard with a roll of Caution tape from Home Depot as well. I also purchased 12 plastic hard hats from the internet. Some went to party guests, and a few others were used as chip bowls. Again, easy, and no bowls to wash afterwards!

Finally, the kind ladies at the Chambers and Parker Rd. Home Depot Customer Service were nice enough to give me 11 Home Depot kid aprons. I bought a pack of fabric paints and the kiddies had fun decorating their own aprons! Easy, and best of all, free! And no candy because I figured they got enough of that the night before...

I hope all my birthday boy's wishes came true that day...and with the loot he got, I believe he didn't even HAVE that many wishes! Happy Third Birthday Hunter! I love you!

Happy Birthday Nutty!

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful little three year old I know! I hope you have a wonderful birthday today! I hope the Bronco's beat the Ravens, and then I hope you have a terrific party, where all your three year old wishes come true!

We had a great Halloween last night! We met Shawna, Dylan and Dalton for dinner at Red Robin. It was yum, as usual. Then, we went to Trick or Street Mainstreet in Parker with them. Hunter got to go down the big inflatable slide, jump in the bounce house, take his first pony ride, and then get a little bit of candy. He had a great time, and was exhausted when we put him to bed.

Yes, I still carve watermelons as opposed to pumpkins! It's just so much yummier! This year, I managed to find a 32.5lb watermelon at Sprouts. It was HUGE. And it was actually pretty yummy as well! Hunter decided we needed to carve it as Lightning McQueen, so that's what we did! He turned out okay I think!

They had pony rides at Trick or Treat Mainstreet, and Hunter was very excited to ride a horse for the first time! He was cracking up our guide by saying "GIDDY UP BIG HORSIE." Very cute my boy is...

Brrr!

Well, the storm has finally moved past us, leaving us with drifts of snow that are taller than Hunter. It's freezing outside, icy, and is just plain miserable in my opinion. Chase is back at work, and Hunter and I are back to the same ole stuff...cartoons, Oot Ooops (Fruit Loops), and lots of blankets.

We have errands to run this morning to get ready for Hunter's THIRD birthday! We're so excited, but totally not excited about having to go out in this miserable coldness. I've debated ways of putting it off until tomorrow, and might just do that. It's so miserable outside. We will need to venture out this afternoon to go to RE/MAX and let Hunter Trick or Treat with Chase's coworkers.

I'm reminded that three years ago today, I went to my final OB appointment. It was a Monday...Chase had the day off of work. That morning, we took the car seat to the Franktown Firehouse to get it installed in Chase's car. We still had 2 weeks to go. We went to the appointment, and Dr. Vargas announced we needed to get Hunter movin'. She wanted us to come back that night to the hospital to get induced. We went and saw a movie...something about a magic show. The Illusionist? I didn't pay attention the entire time. We rushed back home, ate a quick dinner (I had chicken raman noodles), finished packing our bags, and headed out. I was nervous, and excited, and was already exhausted from a long day.

They induced me at 8PM. We were highly anticipating and waiting on our Halloween baby. Hunter was going to share a birthday with my nephew, Chayse. I was in a lot of pain that night - back pain mostly, and slept on and off, but never deeply and woke up just as tired. When Dr. Vargas finally came to check on me in the morning, we discovered I hadn't dialted at all. I was of course suffering through contractions at that point in time, but, evidently, they weren't doing anything.

After an entire day of trials to try and get me to start dialating, we figured out we weren't going to have a Halloween baby.

Wednesday morning at 3AM, the pain was finally lifted when I got an epidural. Thank goodness for medicine!

We spent another long day Wednesday doing nothing. My body was also doing nothing. By Wednesday evening, I was dilated to 3, and a nurse manually dilated me 2 of those 3 (yes, you read that right...manually...it was totally uncomfortable). The pitocin was spiked so high I was starting to get a bit fuzzy. My heart rate increasted, my blood pressure increased, and like Mother like son, so did Hunter's. Chase made an executive decision then (with Dr. Vargas's help) that we were going to have a C-Section. at 5:34PM, on November 1st, Hunter was finally born.

That's enough of that for today!

I'm going to go get dressed, and then perhaps I'll feel motivated to go outside. Probably not.

It's here!

Some years I can make it as far as December or January without feeling completely depressed. This year, it's come before Halloween, and has made my life completely and utterly gray...at least for today. What is it? Snow. 14-24 inches south of Denver. At last check, we had 8, with 22 hours to go. *Sigh*

Today, Hunter and I slept in, cuddled until 9AM watching "Kittycat and Mouse" (aka Tom and Jerry), then I edited the mountain of pictures I had building on my hard drive while Hunter colored and played in his room. Every hour, we stopped to trudge outside and measure the snowfall. Every hour Hunter yelled from the porch "It's snowing Mommy! Snowing Mommy! Look, SNOW!" Please forgive me Hunter for my lack of enthusiasm and lack of motivation to put on your snow clothes and let you play in it. That's what Daddy is for. Mommy wishes she was in Arizona.

It's sad for me to come onto the blog and see that I haven't updated since the beginning of September, and before that, June. I love writing, and always use writing as my emotional release. I love my blog because it's captured what we do everyday, and how I am feeling, and what our family is going through -- I feel secure knowing that someday, if Hunter wants those memories back, he'll be able to have them. But then I look, and see that my blogging has taken a backseat, and I wonder why that is. The only thing that I can conceive as a possible answer is that my emotionalness this past few months has been reserved to sleepless nights laying in bed, letting the tears steam down my face in solitude, knowing that I could keep a secret, could deal with it in ways other than writing, and could move on.

I realize now that I was lying to myself.

I don't really think I have many readers of this blog anymore, especially since I totally put it on the back burner all summer. But for anyone who's out there...beware...I'm emotional tonight, and I know that once and for all, I need to write this down, document it so I know that it happened and I can look back if I ever feel the need to remember, and then, maybe finally, I'll be able to put this behind me.

Over the summer, I had a miscarriage. It shouldn't have been traumatic. It shouldn't have been devastating. I shouldn't have even ever KNOWN about it. But I did, and it was. And today, three months later, I'm still grieving. A conversation with a good friend the other day led me to the point where I know I need to get my feelings out. So here it goes...

My baby would have been a honeymoon baby. I smile thinking about that because I would have loved that...even if I want a summer baby, and this baby would not have been. I would have been 4 months pregnant now...close enough to find out whether my baby would have been the girl I've dreamt about, or the boy I know I need. I don't even think I WANT to know the sex of our next baby beforehand...but today, I dream about being close to the day where I would have been able to. I dream about feeling the baby kick for the first time...I think I was 16 weeks when I first felt Hunter. And I cry because I know that that baby is gone, and I'll never be able to get those things.

I found out in a weird, round about way. I hadn't been feeling well. I didn't think I was pregnant, and even took a pregnancy test to confirm it, but, I felt like I was pregnant. I finally scheduled an appointment to my doctor, the day before we left on our big Missouri trip. I remember sitting on the low stone wall outside the beautiful lake house is Missouri as the doctor told me. She said I was either pregnant - but just barely...or, I had already miscarried. I cried. I could hear my doctor's heart breaking for me, even though I'm sure she's been down this road before, even as a general practitioner. Maybe I just needed to feel that she felt sorry for me. Maybe I just needed someone to be sorry.

I think deep down, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I had been feeling this way for way too long, and a coincidence just didn't make sense. But I think the hope took over so strongly that I allowed myself to push that thought out of my head. At least for the next week - until I could take another pregnant test - until I could be back in my own home - until I could cry and not feel like the world was judging me. Don't get me wrong - I cried plenty that week. I hid my emotions to the best of my ability, but then I would escape to our room and cry until the hope pushed through again.

During our ride back, we stopped to get lunch. Chase wanted Qdoba, but I started feeling sick at the mention of it. I got a sandwich instead, but when I walked into Qdoba, the smell was so potent that I immediately had the urge to throw up. I didn't...but, I stayed nauseous for the better part of an hour, until the smell had finally escaped our car. It gave me that glimmer of hope again. That maybe, just maybe, I was nauseous because I had the dreaded all-day sickness. For just that moment, I was perfectly content with being nauseous because maybe it meant that my baby was okay.

It wasn't okay, and I found out the morning after we got back from our trip. I took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative, just like all the others. All glimmers were gone, and I sunk into a depression that only lifted when Hunter was around. I could pull myself easily out of it when I needed to, to protect my secret from everyone I thought would judge me. What did she do? Did she drink? Smoke? Drugs? Too much activity? Too little activity? Not enough nutrients? Not healthy enough? It plagued me with the most guilt I think I've ever felt. For Mandy's birthday, a month into my pregnancy, the very weekend I miscarried according to my doctor, I took her to BJ's and I had a margarita. Is that what did it? Because I didn't have the ability to refuse a drink, I killed my baby! Because I wanted a little liquor, I was selfish enough to destroy what hadn't even had the chance to be?? The guilt ran through every fiber of my being for weeks. I did it. It was my fault. I killed my baby. At some point in time, I talked myself out of the guilt, although it still lies dormant in me. This happens all the time. 1 in 3 woman...my doctor had told me...most won't even know because the miscarriage will happen at the time of your period. I wouldn't have known had I not gone in. God...wouldn't that have been such a great alternative. I was so close to being completely oblivious to the war my body fought with my baby...the baby who had no choice but to surrender.

Day by day, I'm getting better. Stronger. I cry less. I have conversations in my head about what to say when someone asks "When are you guys going to have another baby?" I have the answer all planned out. But sometimes...like my good friend Amy discovered last week...I'm not strong enough to blurt out my built in answer and instead, I go into a world of shock, grief, and guilt.

So for anyone out there who wants to know, my built in answer is "We will have another baby when we're ready. It's not right now. Probably not soon. But when we're ready, we will." And inside...I think to myself..."and that baby will be perfect."

And for the record. I was on birth control. We were not trying, although, everyone knows we'd welcome another baby with nothing but open arms. I was on birth control with Hunter. Evidently, my body and birth control don't always get along.

So for tonight, that's my story. Tonight, I hope I grieve for the last time in a long time. I hope I really can put this behind me now that I feel like I've told my story. I hope that I don't lay awake thinking about it anymore. If I ever need to remember...it's right here.

Thank you for anyone who took the time to read all of this.

Zomg, I'm alive...

Wow. I can't believe I've gone all summer without posting. Well, it's past labor day now, and back to the old grind.

We had a lot of fun this summer. Most of our weekends were spent out of town - either up at Grand Lake, down south in Pueblo, anywhere where we could pitch a tent and enjoy the summer evenings. It got a bit old by the end...it seemed I just finished putting our camping stuff away when I was digging it back out though. We made so many memories this summer though...

We took a week long trip to Missouri with Chase's Dad and siblings. We went to the Lake of the Ozarks, and even though the week was emotionally hard for me *for reasons beyond anyone's control*, it's still my new favorite lake, and we had a lot of fun. Hunter was even well behaved on the 12 hour drive. Thank you Papa and Mama for the VCR and "Kitty Cat and Mouse" tape.

Chase and I bought a catamaran mid August for $50. Obviously, for $50, it needs a lot of work, but we have all winter to get it ready for some serious sailing next spring. Or something like that. Chase is still convincing me that this is a good idea. We did enjoy sailing on our honeymoon...

Football season is finally back, which is the only reason I look forward to Fall. I am not excited to see the Broncos go downhill this season, but, contrary to McDaniel's beliefs, I think this is a rebuilding year and perhaps next year we will see some light. Guac and chips on Sundays gets me through the long, dreary, gray months.

Hunter's third birthday is rapidly approaching. Birthday party details are in the works, and this years 3 year old blowout shall be the best ever. Hunter will also be starting preschool within the next month or so. He is doing SO much better with his speech and almost always communicates his needs to us using words now (high five, Hunter). He has trouble articulating however, so usually only Mommy can understand him. He'll be getting extra help at preschool, and we're confident his speech therapy days are coming to an end!

I don't know what else to say except that I feel happy that my blogging was only put on temporary leave due to a summer full of memories - some good, some bad, but never will any of them be forgotten. I'll always cherish my days with my two boys.

Someday I'll add some pics. Right now, it's bedtime.