Time will tell

I've got a lot of things on my plate today -- not only today, but in October, and, well, in the next year, and maybe the next rest of my life. Today is a day of work, as will the next, and the next. I feel I need to take a few minutes though and write my feelings so that maybe someday when Hunter reads this, he will know the process of my decisions and how I'm trying to do what is best for our family. I hope he does not see me as selfish or uncaring. I hope he does not get angry at me for leaving him. I hope he can understand.

I decided to take a job with Farmer's Insurance Group. It's more than a job really, it's my own business. I'm in charge of making it grow, or letting it fail and it scares me so incredibly much to have that power when I have so little experience. They see potential in me though, and I know I have plenty of potential to give...but I'm so fearful of having it fail. At first, I have to struggle with my day to day routines that I currently do while trying to build up my business. I need to get some income generated while doing what I do already -- nannying twice a week, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and most importantly, caring for Hunter, Jetta and Miley. Eventually, when the pace picks up due to some income growth, Hunter will need a caregiver -- either a school type environment several days a week, or a nanny coming to our home and caring for him.

In the next few weeks, my biggest concentration is going to be getting myself relicensed. I originally though I have up to 6 weeks to do that, but, they want it done asap -- in a matter of 2 weeks or less. I ordered my first study materials this morning, and have already dived right in relearning the vocabulary I once took 3 months to learn. On top of that, I start my nanny job next Wednesday, and have photo shoots lined up every weekend this month.

Right now, I need courage, strength, wisdom, and encouragement. Right now I need to know that I CAN and WILL acomplish everything on my plate, do it to the best of my ability, and become a shining star in this new business opportunity. I have never had a job that I failed at -- in fact, I always do shine. I am always loved by my employers, and have always strived far above what they expected of me. I have gained so much through this -- knowledge, leadership, and a great sense of maturity for my age. As I approach what may be the biggest challenge in my life I need to use everything I have been given, and everything I have earned and put it into creating a stable future for my family. I can do this, and I will do this. I will succeed at it. I will put every waking moment into creating a future in which Hunter will someday be thankful for.

...Just let me get through today first.