music in my heart

i just added a playlist to our blog. most of these songs have some relevance to my relationship with chase. for the most part though, he has no idea what that relevance is...he may surprise me by knowing a few though. and much to chase's dismay, the flobots have no relevance to our relationship other than the fact that he makes me listen to them all the time :).

of course the dance songs for our wedding are not on here -- those shall remain a surprise to those of you who haven't been lucky enough to hear them yet. :)

i'll add more songs as i think of them...

btw, hunter has been in his bed now for 5 nights, and he is doing wonderfully. he loves his big boy bed, and is so excited to get in it everynight -- usually before he's even gotten his pajamas on!

big boys still cry!

my baby has officially grown up into a big boy. in the last two weeks, hunter has mastered his spoon and fork -- but more than that, he refuses to eat with a "baby" fork...he needs a big boy one.

and then...this weekend, hunter's crib came down, and his big boy bed went up! i was going to wait to switch him over -- keep him a baby for awhile longer...he looks so little in his crib. buuutttt a few weeks ago, while out shopping, my mom bought him a big boy bed for her house. he was so excited about it, and absolutely loved it! chase's cousin holly got married this weekend (very nice wedding, pictures to be posted soon), so hunter stayed with my parents. he slept the whole night in his bed without any problems, so, i figured it was time...

this was right after his last nap in his crib...



...and then...

daddy took the crib down, and up went his brand new car bed! Thank you Grandma and Grandpa!

At first, he wanted to get in it while i was still making it, so he started throwing a fit. well, even after we put him in it, he kept throwing his fit...



finally, he calmed down enough to lay happily with daddy...i don't think chase fits well.


and this was right before bedtime -- a few hours later, he woke up screaming because he fell out - hehe.



last weekend, we went to the zoo for a few hours in the morning. hunter was very well behaved, the weather was beautiful (a little chilly even!!!) and the zoo wasn't crowded at all!

confessions of a mommy on crack...

first off, i am not on crack. i have never done drugs, never plan to do drugs, and am essentially drug free, so you can save your addiction lectures for someone who needs them. chase simply tells me almost daily that i am on crack due to the fact that he thinks i am somewhat crazy...that is still up for debate. anywho, without further ado...

1. some days i stay in my pajamas all day long. sometimes, i will even shower, and then put clean pajamas on.
2. some days, my son stays in his pajamas all day long.
3. corn dogs with ketchup is definitely a healthy meal if it is followed by some blueberries.
4. i keep my laptop on my kitchen table because i am addicted to checking my email. if so many of you stopped forwarding me FWDs all day long, maybe my addiction would lessen. yes, i blame others.
5. i often blame others for my addictions. i blame lauren conrad and my need to live vicariously through her for my addiction to the hills. i blame emily tienken for my addiciton to one tree hill i blame my mom for my addiction to dr. phil and oprah. i blame chase for my addiction to ice cream. i blame dalton for my addiction to calling Fruit Loops "oot oops." you can see where this is going.
6. cooking is not nearly as much fun when i am just cooking for chase and hunter. throw a couple more people in there, and i get great satisfaction. otherwise, it's just another chore.
7. my hardwood floors are disgusting, but i refuse to clean them more than once a week. it only takes 15 seconds for them to look like this, and 15 minutes for me to clean them. cleaning them everyday would be a drain on my finances as the good hardwood floor cleaner is $5 for a very small bottle.
8. photography is not a hobby anymore. it's another chore. i work everyday at trying to turn it into a hobby again.
9. i have emails from when i first opened my email account in 2003. i'm not sure why, only that i am an electronic packrat.
10. i wish i could meet anthony from the wiggles.

where's your cheese?

we started out our wonderful friday by watching The Wiggles. Take note of The Wiggles slippers :)

then, we spent at least 45 minutes going up and down the stairs together. hunter thought it was the greatest thing in the world. please ignore the really gross socks --- this pic was taken late in the evening after chase got home from work :)

then, we went down to our newly designed playroom. hunter was so excited to see some of his toys he hasn't seen since we moved in. this picture was taken after he crashed his airplane. he looked at me and said "uh oh!"

next, we spent some quality time with our favorite doggies, Jetta and Miley.

This is what happens when Jetta tries to relax...

blow mommy a kiss hunter...(two handed kisses are extra special)

hey hunter, where is your tummy?

there it is!!!

okay, now say "cheese"

daddy has a bad "cheese" face

and one pic from the night before...hunter, do you want to go night night?


and that was our day in photos!

thanks harry potter. i hate you too.

so i have a ton of pictures to upload from our beautiful day last friday. we really did have a good day other than some upsetting news that harry potter's release date has been pushed back to next summer.

i was pretty bummed out about that, but chase helped me to see that if i record four episodes of the hills and watch them back to back, it will almost be as exciting as going to see harry potter on the big screen. right.

at any rate, i tried to write a blog friday night about our wonderful day, but my computer's battery died before i managed to save it, and i lost it. so, soon, i will re-upload the pictures! im at Amy's right now, so i can't do it at the moment.

i sent in our deposit for our dj today. we can't afford it, but, i had to get it in by the 20th to save our date, and i don't want to lose this guy as he is offering us a ROCKING deal! i also found an awesome photographer offering us an awesome deal as well, but she is incredibly complicated to get ahold of, so we'll see.

my job keeps flying back and forth on what im going to do. today, i have several options and am unsure which one i am going to choose. kelly asked me to come back and watch jj and jilly. i love those kids, but it was always hard for hunter, so im just thinking about it right now. i had an interview with an event management company in aurora yesterday. it sounds great and wonderful, but he still had one more interview to do, and im unsure of how he felt about me since i would be asking to bring hunter to work with me. he said it would be fine, but, maybe he changed his mind? anyways, i should know in the next few days whether i was accepted for the position. i am very hopeful as it's an awesome opportunity, and would allow me to keep hunter out of daycare (my #1 goal right now).

the home daycare thing is still an option as well, although the lady i thought i had coming backed out because her mom is now able to stay with her son. good for her, bad for me. if i don't get this job, i will see if i can find more kids for my at home daycare!

i keep hoping things might slow down, but it doesn't look like they will. in fact, it just seems like they are getting crazier and crazier!

more to come later.

tomorrow...

two things.

first off, i decided tonight that capitalization is overrated and i don't want to do it anymore. it may take some time and effort on my part to throw capitalization out the window, but i shall try my best.

secondly, i also came to the decision that tomorrow is going to be beautiful. it's suppose to rain all day, and will be very cold (yes, 60 degrees is very cold...shhhhhh, no one asked you.) to me, winter and rain can be very depressing. i think i realized this while talking with our counselor last fall/winter. winter sucks, and makes me sad. i love being outside. i love it when it is 90, or 100. i love swimming and playing in the water. i love going to the park and checking to see if the slides are too hot. i love watermelon, ice cream and lemonade. so, cold = no fun!

i sat downstairs contemplating what hunter and i would do tomorrow. we have a playgroup, but i don't really feel like going. i feel like spending some one on one time with my son doing something outrageous. i'm going to wake up and it's going to be a beautiful, positive day. i refuse to worry about our financial situation or any burdens that may come my way -- i just plan to enjoy my perfect day with my perfect son. maybe we will cuddle under a blanket and read stories and do puzzles all day. maybe we will go dance in the rain and hunter can show me how he splashes in puddles. whatever we decide to do, i will take pictures and document my perfect day with my son and i think tomorrow night i will write him a letter. he is so amazing and so wonderful, and i want him to know that i cherish every moment with him, even through the stress and difficulties of life.

chase is at an HOA meeting tonight, hopefully convincing the association to do all kinds of cool things to our neighborhood (an indoor pool perhaps....HA!). i took the time to myself to set up the playroom downstairs. it's incredible. i brought out hunter's old swing, jumper and bouncer. i created a "quite time" area, as well as an "imaginative play" area, a "baby area," etc. etc. it looks great, and will hopefully serve it's purpose of providing lots of entertainment to a few great kids.

it was while doing this that i decided that tomorrow will be fantastaic, wonderful, and the best day i've had in awhile.

i will wake up feeling wonderful, and the feeling will continue through the day. mark my words.

Patience

I've been fighting with myself a lot this week. It the scheme of things, it may seem silly to some of you. Even to myself, it sort of seems silly after reading the blog of a beautiful woman who lost her 14 month old daughter two months ago. My problems seem pretty mundane.

I did our budget on Monday. It was a wake up call to see that we will be living paycheck to paycheck with no money to spend on ANYTHING extra, even including a package of Oreo's. It was a scary realization for me, as it was first. I've lived paycheck to paycheck before, not having much money to eat, however, I was only supporting myself, so, if I ate $1 burgers from Carl's JR every day, 3 times a day, it was okay. But now, I have a family invested, so I must make some type of investment.

This entire week, I've woken up every night multiple times filled with sadness at the thought of leaving my son to go back to work. Maybe I'm selfish in feeling that I need to stay with him...that I NEED to be with him just as much as he DOESN'T need me. Hunter could do fine without me, in fact, maybe he would learn more at a school type environment. Maybe it would be GOOD for us to be separated as he has been a bit...clingy lately. But the truth is...I NEED him. I need to see his smile 100 times a day, I need to hold him when he's sick, I need him to lead me around, not sure where he is going.

So today, with those thoughts in my mind, I went to an interview. I approached the situation HOPING it would not work out. HOPING it wouldn't be the "great situation" I didn't want it to be. A situation I wouldn't be able to turn down. Luckily, it wasn't. It's a career I am VERY interested in, something I would LOVE to do...but I walked in HOPING it wouldn't work out. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I can't decide, they need me to go to school first, costing a wonderful $1,000 we can't afford. They will reimburse me for this, but not for awhile, and it could be awhile before I make any real money, and right now, it's not the right situation. As much as I was HOPING that it would not work out, I walked out of my interview a bit dissapointed. I'm crazy, I know. Chase tells me all the time.

Then I came home, and read Stephanie's blog. She is very spirtitual and religious, and although you would imagine her blog to be depressing...being only 2 months since she lost her daughter, it's not at all. It is SO inspiring, and has shown me that I should have a little more patience. Things will work out, and someday, maybe I will get my chance to shine. Maybe I will make Chase and I millions (probably not.) Maybe someday, we will have money to travel and show our kids the world. Right now though, I need to show patience in getting from day to day, showing my child the world through my love right from our home.

I think that I'm going to operate a day-care type situation out of our home. I am very good with kids, and somehow I have a lot of patience with kids, even though I have little patience for other things. I love being around kids, and enjoy interacting and teaching them. It is something I love, and something I treasure. So right now, it might not make me millions like this other career could, but, I can be with my son and enjoy the little things. I don't need a fancy car or home, I just need love in my family, and I have plenty.

Today, I will learn more about patience.

Success in the form of party hosting.

Is it Wednesday already? I hate "flying" time!

Our party was a success I would say. I think we had about 30 people, way too much food, and hidden lettuce, tomatos and limes!

Our first wave of people included my Mom and Dad, Al and Brandi, Janet, Kip, Sheila, Holly, Sean, Amy, Christian and Luke! Mom and Dad bought us a grill -- I think I already mentioned that before, but it worked wonderfully at grilling our BBQ food...when Dad was cooking. Chase has yet to master the grill, but, he will soon - I have high hopes! Al and Brandi brought us a SpotBot Pet, which I am SO excited about! Never again do I have to clean up pet messes -- I just pull this little thing out, fill it up, put it down and push the button! It does all the scrubbing for me -- so exciting! It did ruin our one cheap rug, but, it was pretty much ruined from the get-go thanks to Miss Miley. And that rug was only $25 - no big deal! Janet, Kip, Sheila, Holly and Sean brought us these three awesome lamps that we badly needed! We had NO light in our living room, but, finally, there is a lamp, which has what Mandy calls a bug light in it. ZAP! Amy brought us a cute cheese board that I will probably use as decoration since I rarely buy cheese I have to cut -- very cute though and will look nice on the wall by our table.

Next were Kim, Adam and Peyton followed close behind by Mark, Jeanette, Alex and Max. The party moved out front so the kiddos could play with the pool and sand table. Adam and Kim brought us these cool lights for our back porch -- I'm very excited to hang them up...and a humingbird feeder that has been up since Sunday night but seems to have attracted zero humingbirds. I will keep trying! Mark and Jeanette bought us some wine (yum) and a cool candle holder that goes on top of the wine bottle when it's empty. Very creative and unique...we just have to drink the wine! Mandy showed up next empty handed. Silly girl! No, I'm just kidding. She gave us our gift a few weeks ago --a cute "home" sign that I love.

Mike came with all the boys, and they settled in to play some PS2. Rose and Grantie showed up a little while later with a neato can opener that we needed. I think the manual is just fine, but Chase thinks we need to get with the times and get something a little more high tech. He was very excited! Shawna was next with this HUGE plant that I will probably kill. We'll see. :)

I think the last of everyone left around 7:30, leaving me with way too much food! Mandy stayed to help me clean up (thank you thank you thank you). We discovered 6 uncut tomatos and 2 heads of fresh lettuce in the fridge, along with 2 unsliced limes (for the Corona) next to the fridge. DUH Holly! We struggled to get all the food to fit in my already crowded fridge, and then went to work on tearing open our gifts! Fun times! Mandy stayed to chat for awhile and finally left Chase and I to fall exhausted into bed at 10PM.

A 10 hour party. Not bad considering! It was an awesome day, although it had little to do with "engagement." We had planned on finalizing our bridal party with the last few members, but that didn't happen. I also completely neglected to pull out the information on the rehersal dinner food for Brandi and Al to look at. Oh well! I guess we'll have another party -- haha!

I'm realizing....

I don't think I'm ready for our party. When I sit down and think about...we're going to have a lot of people here. I am SO excited for our entire families to meet and mingle and get to know each other, but, we probably should have done it at a park. Oh wait, it's going to be 100 tomorrow -- maybe near the AC was a good idea! Chase and I spent the evening cleaning up and preparing things, but as I sit down to write this, I can think of so many things we have yet to do. I guess that's what morning is for...

Today was fun. We celebrated Dylan and Dalton's 8th birthday party with a taco fiesta at Mike and Shawna's. The lucky twins received a Wii for their birthday, so, the water slide outside was ignored while they took turns playing Sonic (Our birthday gift!!). Hunter, on the other hand, was thrilled with the water slide, but not so thrilled to get water in his face. It was a win-lose situation as you couldn't go down the slide without at least getting SOME water on your face. I guess he takes after me with that - I hate water in my face!

After their party, I enjoyed some tapas and wine with the girls from our playgroup. It was so nice to be sans kids! I loved the conversation, and almost felt as peace with where I am in my life. They are all older than me, married, and more financially stable, but we all go through the same struggles. The struggle of whether to stay home, or go back to work. The struggle of raising a toddler, all in similar whining stages. The struggle of staying home all day, trying to be the "perfect wife/mother" all while trying to maintain some sanity and personal satisfaction. This is the best job in the world, but at times, it's very difficult, very demanding, and very stressful. I finally feel like maybe someone else actually understands what I go through as opposed to just thinking I have it made not having to work. I agree, I have it made. I wouldn't want it any other way - I love being with Hunter, it is so incredibly rewarding and I feel like I am giving him the best start to life. I guess I sort of feel like the outside world only sees the rewarding part of it...they don't pay attention to the fact that sometimes I eat chicken nuggets and Easy Mac five days a week. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to take a shower or change out of my pajamas. Sometimes, I go to the bathroom just so I can have 30 seconds without Hunter pulling on my legs (although, he does sit outside the bathroom door poking his fingers through the crack). And sometimes, I will go a week without having an actual adult conversation about something I want to talk about!

There are days where Hunter will sleep 3 or 4 hours. Those days feel so wonderful. And contrary to what Chase thinks, I don't sit on my computer looking at my email and Craigslist all day. Some days, I do sit at my computer for those 4 hours, but I'm editing pictures, or working on my website. The rest of the days, I'm cleaning and doing laundry and making our grocery list. I admire the Mom's who do work full time, only to come home and have to do all the chores too! Sometimes, I wonder how they do it - but, then I have those days where Hunter doesn't take a nap, and I'm still stuck doing laundry and emptying the dish washer. You just suck it up and do it.

I guess overall, tonight was just a realization for me that it's okay for me to do things for myself. It's okay for me to go get some drinks with friends without Hunter by my side. It's okay for me to take a break from him, the house, pictures, everything. It's okay to give Chase the responsibility of caring for Hunter for a night - he obviously can do it. They are both still alive, and even well fed! And I'm sure they had great fun bonding without Mommy around.