Happy Birthday Nutty!

Happy Birthday to the most wonderful little three year old I know! I hope you have a wonderful birthday today! I hope the Bronco's beat the Ravens, and then I hope you have a terrific party, where all your three year old wishes come true!

We had a great Halloween last night! We met Shawna, Dylan and Dalton for dinner at Red Robin. It was yum, as usual. Then, we went to Trick or Street Mainstreet in Parker with them. Hunter got to go down the big inflatable slide, jump in the bounce house, take his first pony ride, and then get a little bit of candy. He had a great time, and was exhausted when we put him to bed.

Yes, I still carve watermelons as opposed to pumpkins! It's just so much yummier! This year, I managed to find a 32.5lb watermelon at Sprouts. It was HUGE. And it was actually pretty yummy as well! Hunter decided we needed to carve it as Lightning McQueen, so that's what we did! He turned out okay I think!

They had pony rides at Trick or Treat Mainstreet, and Hunter was very excited to ride a horse for the first time! He was cracking up our guide by saying "GIDDY UP BIG HORSIE." Very cute my boy is...

Brrr!

Well, the storm has finally moved past us, leaving us with drifts of snow that are taller than Hunter. It's freezing outside, icy, and is just plain miserable in my opinion. Chase is back at work, and Hunter and I are back to the same ole stuff...cartoons, Oot Ooops (Fruit Loops), and lots of blankets.

We have errands to run this morning to get ready for Hunter's THIRD birthday! We're so excited, but totally not excited about having to go out in this miserable coldness. I've debated ways of putting it off until tomorrow, and might just do that. It's so miserable outside. We will need to venture out this afternoon to go to RE/MAX and let Hunter Trick or Treat with Chase's coworkers.

I'm reminded that three years ago today, I went to my final OB appointment. It was a Monday...Chase had the day off of work. That morning, we took the car seat to the Franktown Firehouse to get it installed in Chase's car. We still had 2 weeks to go. We went to the appointment, and Dr. Vargas announced we needed to get Hunter movin'. She wanted us to come back that night to the hospital to get induced. We went and saw a movie...something about a magic show. The Illusionist? I didn't pay attention the entire time. We rushed back home, ate a quick dinner (I had chicken raman noodles), finished packing our bags, and headed out. I was nervous, and excited, and was already exhausted from a long day.

They induced me at 8PM. We were highly anticipating and waiting on our Halloween baby. Hunter was going to share a birthday with my nephew, Chayse. I was in a lot of pain that night - back pain mostly, and slept on and off, but never deeply and woke up just as tired. When Dr. Vargas finally came to check on me in the morning, we discovered I hadn't dialted at all. I was of course suffering through contractions at that point in time, but, evidently, they weren't doing anything.

After an entire day of trials to try and get me to start dialating, we figured out we weren't going to have a Halloween baby.

Wednesday morning at 3AM, the pain was finally lifted when I got an epidural. Thank goodness for medicine!

We spent another long day Wednesday doing nothing. My body was also doing nothing. By Wednesday evening, I was dilated to 3, and a nurse manually dilated me 2 of those 3 (yes, you read that right...manually...it was totally uncomfortable). The pitocin was spiked so high I was starting to get a bit fuzzy. My heart rate increasted, my blood pressure increased, and like Mother like son, so did Hunter's. Chase made an executive decision then (with Dr. Vargas's help) that we were going to have a C-Section. at 5:34PM, on November 1st, Hunter was finally born.

That's enough of that for today!

I'm going to go get dressed, and then perhaps I'll feel motivated to go outside. Probably not.

It's here!

Some years I can make it as far as December or January without feeling completely depressed. This year, it's come before Halloween, and has made my life completely and utterly gray...at least for today. What is it? Snow. 14-24 inches south of Denver. At last check, we had 8, with 22 hours to go. *Sigh*

Today, Hunter and I slept in, cuddled until 9AM watching "Kittycat and Mouse" (aka Tom and Jerry), then I edited the mountain of pictures I had building on my hard drive while Hunter colored and played in his room. Every hour, we stopped to trudge outside and measure the snowfall. Every hour Hunter yelled from the porch "It's snowing Mommy! Snowing Mommy! Look, SNOW!" Please forgive me Hunter for my lack of enthusiasm and lack of motivation to put on your snow clothes and let you play in it. That's what Daddy is for. Mommy wishes she was in Arizona.

It's sad for me to come onto the blog and see that I haven't updated since the beginning of September, and before that, June. I love writing, and always use writing as my emotional release. I love my blog because it's captured what we do everyday, and how I am feeling, and what our family is going through -- I feel secure knowing that someday, if Hunter wants those memories back, he'll be able to have them. But then I look, and see that my blogging has taken a backseat, and I wonder why that is. The only thing that I can conceive as a possible answer is that my emotionalness this past few months has been reserved to sleepless nights laying in bed, letting the tears steam down my face in solitude, knowing that I could keep a secret, could deal with it in ways other than writing, and could move on.

I realize now that I was lying to myself.

I don't really think I have many readers of this blog anymore, especially since I totally put it on the back burner all summer. But for anyone who's out there...beware...I'm emotional tonight, and I know that once and for all, I need to write this down, document it so I know that it happened and I can look back if I ever feel the need to remember, and then, maybe finally, I'll be able to put this behind me.

Over the summer, I had a miscarriage. It shouldn't have been traumatic. It shouldn't have been devastating. I shouldn't have even ever KNOWN about it. But I did, and it was. And today, three months later, I'm still grieving. A conversation with a good friend the other day led me to the point where I know I need to get my feelings out. So here it goes...

My baby would have been a honeymoon baby. I smile thinking about that because I would have loved that...even if I want a summer baby, and this baby would not have been. I would have been 4 months pregnant now...close enough to find out whether my baby would have been the girl I've dreamt about, or the boy I know I need. I don't even think I WANT to know the sex of our next baby beforehand...but today, I dream about being close to the day where I would have been able to. I dream about feeling the baby kick for the first time...I think I was 16 weeks when I first felt Hunter. And I cry because I know that that baby is gone, and I'll never be able to get those things.

I found out in a weird, round about way. I hadn't been feeling well. I didn't think I was pregnant, and even took a pregnancy test to confirm it, but, I felt like I was pregnant. I finally scheduled an appointment to my doctor, the day before we left on our big Missouri trip. I remember sitting on the low stone wall outside the beautiful lake house is Missouri as the doctor told me. She said I was either pregnant - but just barely...or, I had already miscarried. I cried. I could hear my doctor's heart breaking for me, even though I'm sure she's been down this road before, even as a general practitioner. Maybe I just needed to feel that she felt sorry for me. Maybe I just needed someone to be sorry.

I think deep down, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I had been feeling this way for way too long, and a coincidence just didn't make sense. But I think the hope took over so strongly that I allowed myself to push that thought out of my head. At least for the next week - until I could take another pregnant test - until I could be back in my own home - until I could cry and not feel like the world was judging me. Don't get me wrong - I cried plenty that week. I hid my emotions to the best of my ability, but then I would escape to our room and cry until the hope pushed through again.

During our ride back, we stopped to get lunch. Chase wanted Qdoba, but I started feeling sick at the mention of it. I got a sandwich instead, but when I walked into Qdoba, the smell was so potent that I immediately had the urge to throw up. I didn't...but, I stayed nauseous for the better part of an hour, until the smell had finally escaped our car. It gave me that glimmer of hope again. That maybe, just maybe, I was nauseous because I had the dreaded all-day sickness. For just that moment, I was perfectly content with being nauseous because maybe it meant that my baby was okay.

It wasn't okay, and I found out the morning after we got back from our trip. I took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative, just like all the others. All glimmers were gone, and I sunk into a depression that only lifted when Hunter was around. I could pull myself easily out of it when I needed to, to protect my secret from everyone I thought would judge me. What did she do? Did she drink? Smoke? Drugs? Too much activity? Too little activity? Not enough nutrients? Not healthy enough? It plagued me with the most guilt I think I've ever felt. For Mandy's birthday, a month into my pregnancy, the very weekend I miscarried according to my doctor, I took her to BJ's and I had a margarita. Is that what did it? Because I didn't have the ability to refuse a drink, I killed my baby! Because I wanted a little liquor, I was selfish enough to destroy what hadn't even had the chance to be?? The guilt ran through every fiber of my being for weeks. I did it. It was my fault. I killed my baby. At some point in time, I talked myself out of the guilt, although it still lies dormant in me. This happens all the time. 1 in 3 woman...my doctor had told me...most won't even know because the miscarriage will happen at the time of your period. I wouldn't have known had I not gone in. God...wouldn't that have been such a great alternative. I was so close to being completely oblivious to the war my body fought with my baby...the baby who had no choice but to surrender.

Day by day, I'm getting better. Stronger. I cry less. I have conversations in my head about what to say when someone asks "When are you guys going to have another baby?" I have the answer all planned out. But sometimes...like my good friend Amy discovered last week...I'm not strong enough to blurt out my built in answer and instead, I go into a world of shock, grief, and guilt.

So for anyone out there who wants to know, my built in answer is "We will have another baby when we're ready. It's not right now. Probably not soon. But when we're ready, we will." And inside...I think to myself..."and that baby will be perfect."

And for the record. I was on birth control. We were not trying, although, everyone knows we'd welcome another baby with nothing but open arms. I was on birth control with Hunter. Evidently, my body and birth control don't always get along.

So for tonight, that's my story. Tonight, I hope I grieve for the last time in a long time. I hope I really can put this behind me now that I feel like I've told my story. I hope that I don't lay awake thinking about it anymore. If I ever need to remember...it's right here.

Thank you for anyone who took the time to read all of this.

Zomg, I'm alive...

Wow. I can't believe I've gone all summer without posting. Well, it's past labor day now, and back to the old grind.

We had a lot of fun this summer. Most of our weekends were spent out of town - either up at Grand Lake, down south in Pueblo, anywhere where we could pitch a tent and enjoy the summer evenings. It got a bit old by the end...it seemed I just finished putting our camping stuff away when I was digging it back out though. We made so many memories this summer though...

We took a week long trip to Missouri with Chase's Dad and siblings. We went to the Lake of the Ozarks, and even though the week was emotionally hard for me *for reasons beyond anyone's control*, it's still my new favorite lake, and we had a lot of fun. Hunter was even well behaved on the 12 hour drive. Thank you Papa and Mama for the VCR and "Kitty Cat and Mouse" tape.

Chase and I bought a catamaran mid August for $50. Obviously, for $50, it needs a lot of work, but we have all winter to get it ready for some serious sailing next spring. Or something like that. Chase is still convincing me that this is a good idea. We did enjoy sailing on our honeymoon...

Football season is finally back, which is the only reason I look forward to Fall. I am not excited to see the Broncos go downhill this season, but, contrary to McDaniel's beliefs, I think this is a rebuilding year and perhaps next year we will see some light. Guac and chips on Sundays gets me through the long, dreary, gray months.

Hunter's third birthday is rapidly approaching. Birthday party details are in the works, and this years 3 year old blowout shall be the best ever. Hunter will also be starting preschool within the next month or so. He is doing SO much better with his speech and almost always communicates his needs to us using words now (high five, Hunter). He has trouble articulating however, so usually only Mommy can understand him. He'll be getting extra help at preschool, and we're confident his speech therapy days are coming to an end!

I don't know what else to say except that I feel happy that my blogging was only put on temporary leave due to a summer full of memories - some good, some bad, but never will any of them be forgotten. I'll always cherish my days with my two boys.

Someday I'll add some pics. Right now, it's bedtime.

Our Honeymoon.

Day Cinco!

I can't believe this is our last full day here. I'm ready to go home, but it's still going to be difficult leaving such a beautiful place.

Not a huge update here - we went sailing this morning, which was really fun. This afternoon, we're just going to hang out by the pool, and maybe go kayaking again. Tonight, we have a romantic dinner on the beach for two - I'm very excited about that!!

This will probably be my last update until we get home. I don't want to pay another $10 for another day of internet...so, we'll see you when we're in the states!! I have Monday off, so I'm sure I'll have pictures up then!

Hasta leugo!

Day Quatro!

What a day! We got up early this morning to go ATV'ing. I was super worried as it was really pouring when we left...the skies looked just as they did yesterday, and ATVing through the rain and mud didn't sound appealing to me. Luckily, as we drove 1/2 an hour (like maniacs in the back of a bus type vehicle) the rain stopped, the sun came out and by the time we actually left on ATVs we were hot!

We rode for 2 or so hours through the jungle of the Dominican. It was very green, very muddy, and very fun! We looked liked swamp monsters by the end though! Half way through, we stopped at a Dominican house and talked to the locals and saw how they lived. It was such an eye opener. They don't even have clothes lines...they just hang their clothes over the fences. They are all so nice and welcoming though...it really makes you think twice about the luxieries we have back home...

We got back, showered and got lunch at the buffet. Have I talked about the meals here?? Not only do you have dessert with every meal, but you have liike 10 different options for dessert. Today, I tried 3 of them and they were all fantastic! Yum!!

Last night, we had dinner at the Roma, an italian restraunt. It was a much better experience than the night before. The service was much better and the food was delicious! Then, we went to the "Spectacular Show" at the resort's theater. They did songs and dancing from different countries around the world - very cool! They did a 50's rock thing from America, and the Can Can and some song about America in Spanish that I couldn't understand, but Chase thinks it was about how they hate Americans, lol.

This afternoon, we went to the ocean for awhile, and then headed to the bar at the pool where we hung out for a few hours. Now, Chase is taking a nap and I'm trying to remedy my clogged ears which have now reduced my hearing to zilch. It sounds like I need rubbing alcohol and vinegar -- two things I didn't think I had a reason to bring to the DR...I'll head down to the gift store and see if I can drop $50 on them!

If you are expecting gifts...think again. It's not Mexico here! You can barter (with vendors, not shops), but it's still VERY expensive. We bought a painting, which the guy said he painted himself..but...we saw more of the same kind where we went ATV'ing today. Lol! Guess it's not an original...good thing we didn't pay his full price! We also bought Hunter's some maracas which Chase thinks I spent way too much on ($10). I'll probably get a tshirt before we're done...but, that will be it. Expensive!!

We have one full day left in which we are hoping to go sailing and snorkeling. Chase also wants to rock climb, but he'll be on his own for that one as I do not want to throw out my back!

It's still beautiful and wonderful, but I miss Hunter and am ready to come home! We'll see you soon!!!