Patience

I've been fighting with myself a lot this week. It the scheme of things, it may seem silly to some of you. Even to myself, it sort of seems silly after reading the blog of a beautiful woman who lost her 14 month old daughter two months ago. My problems seem pretty mundane.

I did our budget on Monday. It was a wake up call to see that we will be living paycheck to paycheck with no money to spend on ANYTHING extra, even including a package of Oreo's. It was a scary realization for me, as it was first. I've lived paycheck to paycheck before, not having much money to eat, however, I was only supporting myself, so, if I ate $1 burgers from Carl's JR every day, 3 times a day, it was okay. But now, I have a family invested, so I must make some type of investment.

This entire week, I've woken up every night multiple times filled with sadness at the thought of leaving my son to go back to work. Maybe I'm selfish in feeling that I need to stay with him...that I NEED to be with him just as much as he DOESN'T need me. Hunter could do fine without me, in fact, maybe he would learn more at a school type environment. Maybe it would be GOOD for us to be separated as he has been a bit...clingy lately. But the truth is...I NEED him. I need to see his smile 100 times a day, I need to hold him when he's sick, I need him to lead me around, not sure where he is going.

So today, with those thoughts in my mind, I went to an interview. I approached the situation HOPING it would not work out. HOPING it wouldn't be the "great situation" I didn't want it to be. A situation I wouldn't be able to turn down. Luckily, it wasn't. It's a career I am VERY interested in, something I would LOVE to do...but I walked in HOPING it wouldn't work out. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, I can't decide, they need me to go to school first, costing a wonderful $1,000 we can't afford. They will reimburse me for this, but not for awhile, and it could be awhile before I make any real money, and right now, it's not the right situation. As much as I was HOPING that it would not work out, I walked out of my interview a bit dissapointed. I'm crazy, I know. Chase tells me all the time.

Then I came home, and read Stephanie's blog. She is very spirtitual and religious, and although you would imagine her blog to be depressing...being only 2 months since she lost her daughter, it's not at all. It is SO inspiring, and has shown me that I should have a little more patience. Things will work out, and someday, maybe I will get my chance to shine. Maybe I will make Chase and I millions (probably not.) Maybe someday, we will have money to travel and show our kids the world. Right now though, I need to show patience in getting from day to day, showing my child the world through my love right from our home.

I think that I'm going to operate a day-care type situation out of our home. I am very good with kids, and somehow I have a lot of patience with kids, even though I have little patience for other things. I love being around kids, and enjoy interacting and teaching them. It is something I love, and something I treasure. So right now, it might not make me millions like this other career could, but, I can be with my son and enjoy the little things. I don't need a fancy car or home, I just need love in my family, and I have plenty.

Today, I will learn more about patience.